DEAR Joe,
I know you have read so many letters; mine won’t be any different from theirs. I seek your advice because my friends are avid fans of yours and they tell me your advice is good, and I do hope you could help me out with this.

Just call me Alice. I met Roby when I was working in one of Asia’s biggest tech-support company. I’m 24 years old and he’s 29. We fast became friends, soon became lovers when we had our annual team building.  Our relationship is something that I can’t flaunt to everybody.

Joe, I am a pure Chinese— 100 percent by blood, but a Filipino by birth. Our family is the typical conservative Chinese. Customs and traditions play a big role in our way of life. 

When I was in high school, boys started courting me and my parents told me that they will allow boys to court me only if they are Chinese, too! Their  reason is— If I marry a:
 1.) 100-percent Chinese— it is a good match.
 2.)  50-percent Chinese— it’s ok, as long as he knows  how to speak and write Chinese.
 3.) 100-percent Filipino—Big mistake! First, our  child will only have a 50-percent Chinese blood. Second, my surname will become Filipino. Third, they will disown me.

I’m having a hard time hiding Roby from my family. Roby has established a lot—he’s taking his MBA at a prestigious school. He already bought a house and a car, has a stable job, and he is taking home a 6-digit pay. What else can I ask for?

He is very thoughtful, responsible, understanding, and loving. Even though he understands my situation, I think he is having a hard time, too. Pretty soon in two-three years time, we plan to settle down, get married and have children of our own.

But how can I present Roby to my family?  If I tell them Roby is my boyfriend, my parents will surely tell me to break-off my relationship with him. I can introduce him to them as my office mate, but for how long?  Will they accept Roby? How will I tell my parents that I’m madly in love with Roby? Joe, I can see myself raising a family with Roby in the future. But how can the Chinese society accept Roby?

We all know that our society is very discriminating even though they won’t tell it in front of us, but they will say something behind our backs.

Please help me, Joe. I know I’m old enough to make decisions for myself, but how can I tell it to my parents without breaking their hearts?  Will they be able to respect my decision?  I love my parents, but I love Roby, too.

Sincerely,
Alice

ALICE, I know you are in a tough situation because most parents command a lot of authority when it comes to choosing our partners in life. It is true that the best gifts we can give them are our love,  gratitude for their guidance and our growing respect as their children.

But, there are times when we are challenged to defy them because of love. And it is during these times when we are torn between people who are equally important to us.

We all know that many Chinese families still adhere to very strong traditions and values to preserve and enrich their culture. I don’t see anything wrong with that. But we also know of many Chinese women who have refused to follow family traditions and have chosen to marry other nationalities.

Alice, this is a point in  your life when making a decision becomes a question of will. Your parents will always deserve respect but you also deserve to find your own happiness by building a family outside the one that you know and grew up with.

I have always made a strong stand in fighting for the people we love. Apart from not being Chinese, I think he is very eligible to become a husband. But, then again, what about your parents?

Alice, when we begin to put so much weight on what others feel and think about our relationships, we become distracted and lose our own perception of our partners. The only way to handle this is to  gather the  courage to tell your parents the truth about your boyfriend and how you feel for him.

It may terrify them to hear this from you but it is better than lying about it. Remember, in marriage it is you who would  build the relationship with your husband and not your parents.  Their role is to guide us in making our marriage work and not in destroying it.

Pray that they may be enlightened about their role of  stewardship and not ownership of their children. 

It is fair and simple, Alice. If you choose to fight for love, then you should be prepared to face the consequences and risks associated with it. But, if you choose to follow tradition over the dictate of your heart, then you also have to be prepared to lose someone you love.

It is a question of will. It is a matter of choice. It is your decision to make and not anyone else. Thank you for writing and I  wish you well.