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Dear Joe,
I’m the type of person who plans my future really ahead of time, I would carefully plan how I would reach my goals and make it a point that things would fall in the right places.

I may be “gimickera” during my high school and college years, but I managed to keep my grades as high as they can be.  I promised myself not to get involved in any relationship not until my last term in college.

In my Last term of  college, Vince came into the picture. I may say that I got a crush on him. Vince and I were “carpoolmates.” I drive him home because he doesn’t have a car. We did some small talks on our way home, he even mentioned to me before how he loves his Chinese girlfriend at that time.

Even before Vince and I  met, I’ve seen him and his girlfriend doing some sweet stuff for each other. Unfortunately, Vince was not accepted by his girlfriend’s family for he is not Chinese like they are. The girl was forced to leave him.

My bestfriend, knowing that I liked Vince, did everything to hook us up. And  plans were made with my consent when she learned that the two broke up. Vince and I became classmates in one subject and he started courting me.  

Joe, after several months of courtship,  we ended up together.  My first boyfriend ever! I was so excited. I was idealistic. I wanted things just to be as perfect as it could be.  As they say, when you’re in love, you tend to do silly things. Yes, I did.  I was supposed to graduate with flying colors, but I chose to spend more time with Vince.

I dropped one subject and extended my stay in school. I gave all the love and sweetness that I have kept with me for the longest time.  But things didn’t turn out as how I would want it to be.

I remembered the  first time that Vince, his ex-gf and I, went to a party held by our common friend. Vince never bothered introducing me to his ex-girlfriend as his current one.  He never did show in any sweet way that I was his girlfriend. It hurts! I even learned  that they were still writing each other and talking on the phone.

When I confronted him about it, he told me that those were just friendly gestures.  It’s I whom he loves and cares for now. He was sorry for hurting me and that he’ll make up for it. I was hopelessly  idealistic even if I got hurt.

I have forgiven him. I love him. But the past still haunts me most of the time. It’s a matter that couldn’t make me move on with our lives. Yes, we ended up together after 6 and a half years of  an “on and off relationship”. I gave birth to a cute little princess. 

But recently  the “what if” syndrome has been killing me badly. I started feeling  sorry for myself for not letting other men come to my life, for not letting myself experience the wonder of being in love with someone else, experience more of the sweet stuff. Maybe with them, I’d feel very important. Maybe they’d put me on a pedestal to make me feel that I am really worth keeping.

Joe, I do not like what I’m feeling right now. I am still trying to defend that I am not just my hubby’s “panakip-butas,”  still convincing myself that he wanted me and chose me to be his wife not because I’m the next best girl for him but because it is I whom he really loves.

Until when will I feel this insecurity? What would be the best thing for me to do now?

Jen

Dear Jen, It seems to me that you married a man whom you love more than he loves you.

This is not unusual. All relationships have different mixes of  amounts of affection. There is often one who loves slightly more than the other. I don’t see anything wrong with this.

What I feel worried about are the  wishful thoughts that occupy your mind. The fact  that you are feeling sorry for yourself  and wondering what life could have been had you allowed yourself to  love someone else  reveals a certain degree of remorse.

A lot of women feel the way you do, Jen. I believe that the best way to lose a woman is to take her for granted and make her feel that she is unimportant and unloved. Unfortunately, a lot of  men don’t realize this until it’s almost too late.

Jen, you have to understand that it is unhealthy to still think about what life could have been with other men. You have to stop thinking that Vince married you even if he still loves his ex girlfriend. We have to remember that marriage closes the door of the past and builds a new life  on what it has in the present.

The best thing to do now is remove all ill thoughts that make you feel miserable . Focus on your family. You have a beautiful daughter to nurture and take care of. Jen, even if you feel like giving up, never tire in showing your husband that you love him. Communication is the key to most marriages success. It has been said that unless we can honestly say what we feel, good or bad, to the people we love, we cannot truly say that we are one.

Make  him understand what you are going through. Tell him how you feel. If he loves you, he wouldn’t get mad. He would understand  why you feel that way and sincerely do something about it. Give him the chance to prove his love for you and help him show it. Jen, there may be times when we feel like we married the wrong person or we could have had a better life with someone else. But, let us always remember that if we married that person because of love then the real measure of it would be in our ability to continue to love that person  even when we can find no reason at  all to love anymore.
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